Friends Will Hurt You

Friends will let you down. Some will hurt you.

It’s a fact of life.

What matters is how you respond when it happens.

Last summer my family moved back to Texas after an eight year stint in California. A few months after the move, one of my friends in CA stopped responding to emails and unfriended me on Facebook. 

Kaley and I met when our first born children were babies, in one of those moms groups for sleep deprived women in need of adult conversation. And support. And the comfort of knowing they’re not in it alone.

Our kids went to preschool together for four years. Had play dates. Joined little league. I hosted a party for Kaley at my house. We celebrated birthdays together. Shared life’s challenges over glasses of wine. Called each other in a pinch.

Seeing her always brightened my day. Made the grind more bearable. We weren’t just acquaintances. We were friends.

Until I moved away.

Yesterday I received an explanation.

It wasn’t anything personal. I reduced my friend list and kept the people I communicate with on a regular basis. You know how challenging the California crew can be. Hard to find the good ones. You were someone who moved and the chances of us keeping in contact are slim. Hope you understand.

I do understand.

I valued the friendship more than she did.

It’s not worth it for her to invest in the friendship anymore. I’m no longer useful.

At least she was honest about it. Not mean or caddy. Just matter of fact. I appreciated her candor.

I wish she’d sent a photo of herself giving me the middle finger instead.

Still, it hurts. For several reasons.

• The friendship is over. It’s difficult to accept when a relationship of any kind comes to an end. I want to remain friends. She doesn’t.
• I feel rejected. No need for explanation. Rejection is a rotten feeling.
• It questions my ability to judge character. Another strike against me for lack of discernment between true friends and fake ones.
• Despite the painful emotions, I choose to put it behind me and move on. When people hurt you, there are two things far more important than the damage itself.

How you respond. And what you learn.

• Be kind. This isn’t high school. We’re too old for drama. I thanked Kaley for her honesty and wished her well. I meant it.
• Not all friendships last forever. There are different seasons in life. Some of your friends will pass through the seasons with you. Those are the gems. Others won’t. And that’s ok.
• Invest wisely. As we get older, our time is more precious and scarce. We have careers. Families. Responsibilities that take up most of our time. Invest the time you do have in quality people. Choose wisely.

How about you? Have you been hurt by a friend recently? What did you learn from it? I’d love to hear in the comments.