Slow Writing of a Victorious Story
My worst days exist within the confines of my mind—trapped and bouncing around like a bird who just lost her freedom.
I’ve always prided my mind on being a glowing source of good things—stirring up love and grace and beauty and spilling over for others to share. I thought I was strong and that my joy could get me out of any situation no matter how hard or locked up.
But that’s not always true these days. Big questions, high stress and a combination of a million other factors sometimes leave me in the dark, clawing for a way out but unable to find light.
They generally don’t have a solid shape, these doubts and fears and insecurities. They’re hard to explain and therefore hard to get out of—infecting me like a slow leak with anxiety.
Not good enough
They suck the light away from my world, and the joy from within my heart. They show up and convince me that my world isn’t good enough and that I’m certainly not good enough in it.
Doubt and fear and shame and worry are the tapes that play over and over in my mind, making my eyes bleary and unreliable windows through which to see my world and myself inside of it.
And in those moments, I just want to climb out. I want to be able to smile a big, happy smile, and to see the joy and beauty and love that’s sprinkled throughout my world. But in the hardest moments, I find myself completely incapable of finding light.
I wonder, in my darkest moments, if I’ve always been this way. And in even darker moments, I wonder if I’m stuck this way forever, trapped beneath the weight of my spinning thoughts, and deep, earth-quaking worry.
I love telling stories, and unabashedly prefer stories of victory. My favorite kinds are the ones where God shows up and saves the day—especially in the moments where the situation is the most dire.
I like neat stories, ones that resolve with a fully understood lesson at the end. I like stories that wrap up quickly, that don’t leave you hanging for more than a well-placed breath.
I don’t like the story in-between.
I don’t like waiting for the rescue, and not being able to repair it on my own. I don’t like problems that are outside of my control, or situations that can’t be cured with a dash of positive thinking. And that’s why I have such a hard time with the story I’ve spent the last several months writing.
This is the story of a woman who does not have it all together—the story of a beauty-chasing optimist that some days can barely breathe under a pile of negativity and fear.
It’s the story of learning to trust God all over again, especially with the moments that seem so big and so scary.
It’s the story of asking God to come to my rescue. And it’s the story of waiting and the process of the in-between.
I don’t know why this season has been so hard, but it has.
I’m doing everything I can—praying and repeating what’s true, replacing my ‘what ifs’ with ‘what IS’ at every turn. I’m doing my best while I wait for the victory that I know is coming, and insisting that joy has to be around here somewhere—even when it feels impossible to find.
We go through seasons, you and I. We have days that feel like victory is parading through our minds with floats and confetti. We also have days that feel dark and scary, with death at every turn.
But regardless of the season, God is good. God is good and victory is near. Even and especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
Where do you need to see victory in your life? What do you do in your darkest moments?
- Patricia Hunter published the blogpost Labor Day::thankful for the gift of work and the labor of love....
- Lee Sah Lim published the blogpost Bangkok IV: Damnoen Saduak Floating Market And MBK Center.
- Brad Hambrick published the blogpost Psalm 88 Sermon Follow Up: “Will Life Ever Get Better?”.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Are You Engaged With Teenagers Where They’re Growing Spiritually?.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost 5 Roles Youth Workers Play In The Lives Of Teenagers.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost 6 Tips for Creating Structure and Boundaries in Ministry.
- Kelly Balarie published the blogpost Bible Verses for Perfectionists: Finding Your True Worth.
- solomon david published the blogpost 6 Must to Have Skills That Every Magento Store Developer Should Consider.
- solomon david published the blogpost Cloud Gaming Fun With Microsoft’s DeLorean Available Soon.
- solomon david published the blogpost 6 Amazing Paid iPhone Applications that Available for Free Right Now.
- Matt Perman published the blogpost Tim Ferriss on the Importance of Being Unconventional.
- Barbie Swihart published the blogpost Journey To The High Places: On The Shores of Loneliness (Week 7).
- Adam Smith published the blogpost Labor Day, Your Marriage, and Your Family – Jackie Bledsoe.
- Judy Douglass published the blogpost How We Got Here: Live Alive Guest Post by Jordan Stroman.
- Brian Dodd published the blogpost 14 Practices Of Senior Pastors Who Grow Great Churches.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Teens Are Getting Pickier About The Brands They Display On Their Clothes.
- Bill Reichart published the blogpost Two Prayers That Will Inspire And Provoke The Soul.
- Martin KnoxGood bye, Faith Village. Thank you, Brad Russell, for what you have contributed to the work of the Kingdom.
- Greg Flagg published the blogpost Prayer for the Twelfth Sunday after Pentecost (Ordinary Time).
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Florida City Makes It Illegal to Wear Your Pants Too Low.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost MTV Bloodstained Hypocrisy of Hollywood’s Violence Profiteers.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Marine Just Issued An Epic Challenge To The Black Community And The Ferguson Rioters.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Teens Who Skimp On Sleep May Face Later Obesity Risk.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Study: Parental Incarceration May Be Worse Than Divorce.
- Mike Liebler published the blogpost Video Helps Gay Teen Disowned By Christian Parents Raise $90,000.
- Caitlin Wilson published the blogpost Sunday Refreshments | Do You Pick a Church Like You Pick A Restaurant?.
- Amy Lathrop published the blogpost Sunday Refreshments | Do You Pick a Church Like You Pick A Restaurant?.
- Audra Jennings published the blogpost Don't you know you aren't supposed to drink the water in Mexico?.
- Audra Jennings published the blogpost There's trouble in Paradise... and I've lost interest.
- Caitlin Wilson published the blogpost Expectant Parents by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin | Giveaway, Blog Tour, & Publicity.