You’re Not The Problem—He Is | Signs Of Emotional Abuse

For one friend it looked like her boyfriend loved her so much he wanted to know where she was at all times. For another, a kind man who just wanted to take stress off his girlfriend (asking her to quit her job & stay home). For yet another friend, her relationship seemed to change her personality—she didn’t like to dance or enjoy time with friends anymore. These relationships all turned out to be characterized by emotional abuse.

If the statistics are true, 35% of women have been in emotionally abusive relationships —but it’s generally quite difficult to pinpoint because the abusers are good manipulators (i.e. they tend to smooth over their bad behavior and make you believe it’s your fault).   I want us to talk about emotional abuse—define it and look at some warning signs—in hopes that you will be able to stand strong and not suffer through one of these volatile relationships.

Emotional Abuse is defined as behavior and language designed to degrade or humiliate someone by attacking their self-value or personality. “Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where a person treats another in a psychologically harmful way. It is a silencing attack on the self-esteem of a human being: in the end the victim feels so small that there is no talk-back possible.” (Emotional Abuse, The Silencing Enemy). Several studies have found that up to 35 percent of women have been in romantic relationships that were emotionally abusive, and that such abuse was the greatest risk factor for and predictor of physical abuse (Women’s Health).

Signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:

• Makes you feel nervous or like you’re “walking on eggshells.”
• Asks you to change jobs or careers, or even quit a job, because he wants you home (i.e. to control you)
• Is extremely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other men and lashes out when you have a simple conversation.
• Constantly needs to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing (i.e. even time with girlfriends is monitored closely as if you are a his child)
• Puts you down, calls you names or criticizes you.
• Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.
• Makes you feel like no one else would want you.
• Threatens to hurt you, your friends or family—but then says he was just ‘overreacting’.
• He checks your cell phone or email without permission.
• You have changed your lifestyle, personality, hobbies and/or job because he asked you to.

What emotional abuse sounds like:

• “You shouldn’t spend so much on clothes, you don’t have a good figure anyways.”

• “Why are you always disrespecting me in public and flirting with other men?”
• ”Don’t complain about how bad you have it, do you think any one else could date you?”
• “One of these days you’ll wake up, and I’ll be gone.”

• ”You don’t know the first thing about finances.”
• “You are such a bitch—it’s a wonder I put up with you.”
• “I want you to stay home, so I can keep an eye on you.”

Arguably, the most detrimental aspect of emotional abuse is women who are being emotionally abused feel trapped, and they tend to internalize their partners abuse. They believe if they change how they behave, speak, dress, socialize, and work, then their partner will stop criticizing them or flying into rages. As a result, women in these types of relationships gradually lose their identities. (Women’s Health).

If you find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about how to avoid upsetting your significant other and believing it’s all your fault—I encourage you to take the steps to talk to trusted friend or counselor about abuse. He wants you to think that you are the problem—but I hope you find an ounce of courage to talk to someone today. You deserve more, so much more, and I pray you know how deeply you are loved. I can’t say much about my history with this subject, but I understand what you are going through and I promise it won’t be easy to cut ties, but I also promise you’ll never regret it.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? How did you get out? How would you advise someone going through emotional abuse?

{Disclaimer: women can be emotional abusers just as easily as men, but since most of my readers are women, I decided to focus on just one aspect of abuse.}